19 Inadvisable Things to Say to Girlfriends

I don’t care.

I’m attracted to you most of the time.

It’s like your fallopian tube is a Crazy Straw for my spunk. GROSS!

Your eyes are a maze I could get lost in. No, I meant maize. Your eyes are very yellow and busy. I think you might have cataracts.

K (as a text response to everything)

Have your boobs always parted like that? I guess Time is sort of like Moses in that way, huh?

I couldn’t find any tampons so I sellotaped a bunch of q-tips together.

You’re a bitch!-in girlfriend… (close save after girlfriend’s mother walked in on argument)

Not a fan of this whole Frida Kahlo thing you have going on. I don’t like your art, either.

Moist.

I KNOW your mouth goes wider, I was there when you were having your root canal!

There’s no medical imperative for you to lose weight, just a relationship one.

Love handle would indicate that I can get my hand around it. And that I love you.

Couldn’t you just fake one for the team?

I don’t like you being the same height as me so I’ve removed the heels from all of your shoes.

Well she did such a bad job on the back massage I really felt like I was owed that happy ending.

Your shoulder hair is tickling me.

I wish you’d be as gallant with my penis as you are with my toothbrush.

Haha, don’t you mean, please read your feminist WO-MANUSCRIPT? Your breasts look really great today. 

                                                                               Researched by Khyan

  1. justanotherlankyprick reblogged this from khyan
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  9. autarkical said: whyyyyyyyy can’t you be more tasteful and less douchebaggy :’( you could do so much with yourself (and broaden your audience) without resorting to being crude!
  10. vplem reblogged this from clarkthebarista and added:
    I am dying okay
  11. clarkthebarista reblogged this from khyan
  12. sellertape said: Wouldn’t time be like Moses? But I love these ><”
  13. khyan posted this